Gonna catch a bus....
a train, a plain, a ride with an 18 wheeler, anything to get me out of here.
I know you have had days like that. Where the option of running seemed better than staying. Not because you don't love you life, your kids, yada yada... calm down perfect people that have never considered running away. You can exit this blog now, this post isn't for you, obviously.
Now, where were we. Be serious, have you ever woke up in the morning and as soon as you open your eyes you think "well, crap.... I'm still here!" Oh, yeah. Me either. ;)
I have. Not that I really wanted to be dead, just not here. Or alive. With all of these problems, that never seem to go away. Not to mention the dad gum laundry!
Truthfully most days it's not even outward problems as it might just be the condition of my heart and emotions. Grief has been a big issue in my life, that has caused me to want to run. As if sitting on my favorite beach, 7 Mile Beach in Grand Cayman, I still won't feel the grief in my heart. I will. And I have. I've felt it on a cruise ship, at Disney world, at the lake and on the beach. I have felt the grief as I drink my 4th glass of wine for the night, take my 3rd xanax of the day, smoke a cigarette and try to drown my sorrows in substances. I have felt it when I am alone or surrounded by people.
It doesn't work. You can't run from grief. It is always there.
Here is my confession. Grief has made me do some stupid, stupid stupid things. I can not stress that enough. I am horrible at dealing with grief. I don't know anyone that loves it but no matter how many times I tell myself that I am going to (wo)man up and handle this in a mature and christ like matter- I NEVER DO.
It is like something takes over me. Usually sin. Unfortunately.
So do not take any advice from be about grief. I guess I can tell you what NOT to do.
#1. Do not run from it. I hated the way my heart hurt after I lost my brother. My heart physically hurt. I am sure that some of you have felt this pain, there is none like it. I just did not want to feel. So I did everything I could to numb it. One bad decision followed another.... until the ruins happened.
#2. Do not blame God. It isn't His fault and He wants to see you through this. This one was a very very hard thing for me to truly believe. I'll blog more about this point one day when I am ready.
#3. Do not ignore it. Don't act like nothing has happened or that you are fine. If you aren't fine, then find a trusted friend and tell them that you aren't ok. Tell them how you feel. If you are angry at God, tell him. Whatever you are feeling let yourself feel it. It is part of working through the stages of grief.
I know you have had days like that. Where the option of running seemed better than staying. Not because you don't love you life, your kids, yada yada... calm down perfect people that have never considered running away. You can exit this blog now, this post isn't for you, obviously.
Now, where were we. Be serious, have you ever woke up in the morning and as soon as you open your eyes you think "well, crap.... I'm still here!" Oh, yeah. Me either. ;)
I have. Not that I really wanted to be dead, just not here. Or alive. With all of these problems, that never seem to go away. Not to mention the dad gum laundry!
Truthfully most days it's not even outward problems as it might just be the condition of my heart and emotions. Grief has been a big issue in my life, that has caused me to want to run. As if sitting on my favorite beach, 7 Mile Beach in Grand Cayman, I still won't feel the grief in my heart. I will. And I have. I've felt it on a cruise ship, at Disney world, at the lake and on the beach. I have felt the grief as I drink my 4th glass of wine for the night, take my 3rd xanax of the day, smoke a cigarette and try to drown my sorrows in substances. I have felt it when I am alone or surrounded by people.
It doesn't work. You can't run from grief. It is always there.
Here is my confession. Grief has made me do some stupid, stupid stupid things. I can not stress that enough. I am horrible at dealing with grief. I don't know anyone that loves it but no matter how many times I tell myself that I am going to (wo)man up and handle this in a mature and christ like matter- I NEVER DO.
It is like something takes over me. Usually sin. Unfortunately.
So do not take any advice from be about grief. I guess I can tell you what NOT to do.
#1. Do not run from it. I hated the way my heart hurt after I lost my brother. My heart physically hurt. I am sure that some of you have felt this pain, there is none like it. I just did not want to feel. So I did everything I could to numb it. One bad decision followed another.... until the ruins happened.
#2. Do not blame God. It isn't His fault and He wants to see you through this. This one was a very very hard thing for me to truly believe. I'll blog more about this point one day when I am ready.
#3. Do not ignore it. Don't act like nothing has happened or that you are fine. If you aren't fine, then find a trusted friend and tell them that you aren't ok. Tell them how you feel. If you are angry at God, tell him. Whatever you are feeling let yourself feel it. It is part of working through the stages of grief.
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